


Weak

by Frenchibi



Series: Inktober 2018 [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Day 15, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Healing, Inktober 2018, Prompt: Weak, a letter to the best people I know, it's full of love I promise, personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16358099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/pseuds/Frenchibi
Summary: This is for Zee and Jakob in particular, but also for anyone I have the privilege of calling a friend.





	Weak

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Z_ee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Z_ee/gifts).



> This is for Zee and Jakob in particular, but also for anyone I have the privilege of calling a friend.

Some days, I am bursting with love.

On others, I can barely see the world through my tears, through the darkness and doubt and self-hatred that rules me.

Some days all I do is complain about problems I won’t solve.

And I lash out.

And I regret.

 

Every day, you listen. You remind me I’m not as terrible as I think I am, and neither is anything else. You’re my support system, my heroes, my favorite people on this planet.

 

I’m small, but my heart is enormous, and it bleeds helpless, hopeless love no matter where I go.

If I could, I’d raise you high above this mess of a world that we live in.

If I could, I would carry you anywhere.

I’m so full of love, and I don’t know how to share it, how to make you see exactly how much of it there is, because some days it’s so overwhelming I don’t even know where to start, or to end, or how big it really is.

 

I need you to know that I see you. I hear you.

I want to do everything I can to see you safe and healthy and happy.

I want to have you close so I can make sure that you’re okay.

I wish I could be everything you need. I wish I could give you safety, warmth, hope - I wish I could protect you from the cruelties of life, shield you from unfairness and resentment.

 

I wish I could make you feel like the world will be okay - like a song on a lonely road, a good book in the rain, a cookie to go with your tea. A hand that helps you up, that rests on your shoulder, that is there for you to hold when you need it.

I want to be a safe space, a calming presence, because I want you to have one. Because it’s what you’ve been to me.

 

I wish I was kinder. More attentive. Less preoccupied with myself; my inadequacy and perfectionism, my ambition and depressive lack of drive, my dreams and my failure of pursuing them right.

I wish I was better. Better at learning, better at loving, at expressing what I feel, at knowing what it means. At writing words that resonate. Better at accepting criticism, at overcoming obstacles, at growing. Better at knowing when to argue and when not to bother.

I wish I was a better daughter, better sister, better friend.

I wish I was stronger.

 

I can describe myself in a multitude of negatives - and I always come back to “weak”. Pathetically struggling, like a fly next to an open window that keeps hitting the glass.

 

I want to believe that love isn’t weakness. That hopes aren’t empty, that the world is full of second chances (and third ones, fourth and fifth and as many as I need to get it right). That I won’t ruin things by making dumb mistakes. That I won’t hurt the people I love because of misunderstandings. That they know, even if I can’t put it into words, what they mean to me.

 

I want to believe that you know. That you hear me, just as I hear you, screaming into the void.

That you love me just the same. That my doubt and my bitterness is wrong.

 

You’ve never given me any reason not to.

 

But depression is a jealous, vindictive bitch who stands between me and everything else, who makes me impatient and cynical and unkind, who plants doubt and insecurity where they have no business being.

And I fall for it.

Because, right now, it is stronger.

 

But I refuse to give up. I refuse to be beaten.

 

I have so much to live for, so many plans. Things to learn. Places to see.

Friends to appreciate with every breath because it’s  _ what they deserve. _

 

So know that I love you, and I’d move mountains for you if I could.

Know that I trust you, and that my life is infinitely better with you in it.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this doesn't flow as well as my work usually does - case in point above, I have yet to figure out how to properly articulate what I feel in this matter.  
> Love is gigantic and complicated and I am so grateful to experience it in the way that I do, overwhelming though it might be.  
> So... if you took the time to read this - thank you.


End file.
